Guest Post!! Come Visit!!

Hi friends! 

I think I would be a much better blogger if I could simply blog as a guest on other people's blogs! haha - someone give me a topic, invite me in, and I. AM. THERE. 

Today, please join me over at my one of my VERY favorite blogs, "be, mama. be." It is written by a dear college friend that I don't see often, or ever anymore, really. She live in Cali, and I in Minne. She is a wifey and a mommy. I am still a single girl chasing the wind. But, I read her blog and I laugh. I love. I feel. I think. I appreciate. Go take a peek. Yes, today while you peek, you will read some of the ways she moves me to think. Then, take a peek further and look into Cara's life. Her brain space is GOOD space. The girl loves life more than anyone I know, and to be in her presence is truly a gift. 

Today's post, specifically, can be found here, but I would encourage you to use the web address above to take a look around on a regular basis. I promise, you won't be disappointed. 

:) j. 

To Write... or to write a LIST.

I have SO many things I want to write about tonight! 

But, it's 10:56 PM, and I just got home. 

I have so much fun with my co-workers that I need to write that down, with a story that provides just the write example of how we can spend an evening together and not want it to end. 

I am so, So, SO very TIRED. Because it is 10:57 PM, and I just got home. 

Retirement - seems like something I am going to enjoy, but until then, watching some colleagues retire this year has me doing a lot of marveling, and considering, and wondering, and thinking. I need to write out these thoughts to learn from them, or let them go. 

But, I am so, So, SO very TIRED! Because it is 10:58 PM, and I just got home. 

I wonder what I should do with my life when I grow up. I think if I had some time to write about it, I might be able to let go of some of the angst about it, and embrace the here and now a bit better. 

But, I am so TIRED! Because it is 10:59 PM, and I just got home. 

I have wedding photos to edit, books to read, bills to pay, plans to make, programs to write, a letter of recommendation to finish, phone calls to make, and a list that just won't give up! 

But, I am so, So, SO TIRED! Because it is 11:00 PM, and I just finished up writing a list of things that I would really LOVE to slice about... 

when I'm not-so-tired.

:) j.

For My Mom

I decided this year that I would NOT blog about each family member for each of their birthdays this year. The big reason? Because I ALWAYS miss somebody. EVERY year. And, to be very honest, usually, I miss my sister. Her birthday is too close to the beginning of the school year and while I don't miss her birthday, I am usually way out of writing mode in October. BAD excuse, I know, but it just ended up being safer to NOT have that be one of my "things". 

However, today, I am sad to be away from my mom. It is her 60th birthday today. And, I can't help but think about how we are all getting older, and how much I love my family and love my time around them. My mom and I talk almost daily, and on the random day here and there when we don't get to connect, I notice. I survive, but I notice. And, if, Heaven forbid, we go more than one or two days without touching base, I miss my Mama, and I will call her incessantly until she answers! :) 

Today, on Mom's birthday, I couldn't help but think about what my Gramma would say to mom today if they could catch up on the phone. I mean, realistically, the reason I got put on mom's "daily phone list" is because mom was trained by her mom to talk to her Mama every day on her way home from work. (And, don't get me wrong - I am THANKFUL for this daily dose of Mom-time.)

Mom - today, I am pretty sure Gramma would congratulate you on 60 successful years. I am pretty sure she would tell you that you have 60 more in you, and she knows you can do it. I am pretty sure Gramma would tell you how proud she is of the way you love your husband and your children and your grandchildren. I am pretty sure that Gramma would remind you that her saving grace was her daily time reading devotions and praying. I am pretty sure that Gramma would say that she misses you as much as you miss her, but that she is in a place that she can't even put into words, with Grampa, carefree, pain-free, and completely full of joy and love. 

I am pretty sure, Mom, that if Gram were here, she would wrap her arms around you today and tell you, most importantly, that she loves you, and that she loved hearing her phone ring everyday a few minutes after you got off work, knowing that you were calling to check in, not to talk about anything, but just to ask how she was and how her day was going. I am pretty sure she would tell you that you kept her going in those lonely moments, the sad moments, the sick moments, and all of the moments in between, because you were her daughter, and she loved you more than you will ever know. 

And mom? I should have told you all of these things today, because guess what? Now YOU'RE the mom, and I'M the daughter, and I love that we are a version of history repeating itself, because it is one of the most beautiful histories I could ever imagine. 

I love you, mom. 
I love our phone calls. 
I love our hugs. 
I love you. 
~ j.

Birthday Wish Come True!

I had a birthday wish in December that I just couldn't make come true. The reality is, with the mix of holiday parties that fall between November 15 and January 10, it is hard for anyone to fit ONE. MORE. THING. in at the end of the year... my birthday included. No worries, I am completely used to this and OK with it, as most often, my birthday brings the end of school for winter break and I am ready to get out of town anyway. Last week, however, with the help of some great friends, I made it happen!

This year, for my birthday, my wish was to be able to make sandwiches for 363. 363 actually started as ONE man. It is still pretty much ONE man, but now, he accepts help from a few others to keep the logistics of his mission up and running. The one man is Mr. Alan Law. He is a former elementary teacher, who retired to run after-school programming for the kids in Minneapolis, and that turned into an outreach mission for homeless men and women. His current line of service is that every night, he goes out into the streets of Minneapolis, under the bridges, and in the other places that he now knows are the "popular" places to spend the lonely nights, and he serves sandwiches. Mr. Law has several deep freezers in his apartment, and he accepts donated sandwiches (turkey or turkey bologna, cheese, and bread - that's what they must be made of) and he fills his freezers. Every night, he loads his big, white van and heads downtown. He checks in on all of the people he has now built up relationships with. he gives out sandwiches, checks on health status, and provides some care and encouragement. 

I met Mr. Law a few years ago when I organized a panel of speakers from the local area that are working to end hunger. I thought he was amazing then, and I still continue to believe the same. He has since grown to incorporate a group of women that make wool mittens for him to hand out in the winter, and most recently, he has teamed up with a couple of doctors that are going to be doing some health-related wellness checks with Mr. Law. 

And so, last week, my small group friends and I made 300 sandwiches to hand over to Mr. Law to put to good use.

 It was SO EASY. I went onto the website to get the instructions, and right there was a link to a food delivery service that would bring the groceries for 300 sandwiches TO MY DOORSTEP. I chose to have it delivered to school, because there was a 12-4 window, and I, obviously, was going to be at work. Hence, no shopping necessary. No counting, no measuring, no math. Just the click of a button to say how many sandwiches I want to make (they ask that you make quantities of 150, but will take whatever they get).

 I have never seen so much bologna in all my life.

 We got the assembly line set up and our system was smooth as a baby's butt. It was AWESOME. We laughed, we smiled, we enjoyed spending time together serving others.

The team from L-R: Cheryl, Lara, Mindy, Sean, Caron, Lori

 We put the sandwiches back in the bread bags and stuck them in the freezer...

 and the fridge...

 When we were all finished, we boxed them up...

 and loaded them into my car...

 When I got home, well, that's when I ran into a bit of a snafu. You see, I use my deep freeze a lot, but I THOUGHT it wasn't quite so full at the moment, but I thought WRONG. It was WAY full.

So, with some help from my friend, Lori, we unloaded the deep freezer of my food into boxes, then loaded the deep freezer with sandwiches. We loaded the boxes of frozen food into my car, and I quickly drove over to Dear Mary's house. We then unloaded the boxes from my car into Mary's house, and Mary unloaded them into her deep freezer, and I went home and CRASHED into bed. 

It. Was. AWESOME. 

Yesterday, Steven, one of the men that helps collect the sandwiches and get them to Mr. Law, came to my house and we loaded up his trunk with sandwiches. It was so fun to talk to him about how the mission is working. Mr. Law has actually taken a bit of a break this past year, because he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He had surgery and it went well, however, his recovery has had a few bumps due to his age, and the fact that his body has never sat so still. If you are the praying kind, it would be awesome to have lots of prayers going up for a full recovery so Mr. Law can get back to the streets full time, as is his heart's desire. 

I am honored to be able to say that I helped with this cause, and I am committed to doing it again in the future. If you want more information, either click on the link above, or get in touch with me. I would love to spread the word! 

:) j.

Rave Run!

Let me start out in the most honest way possible: This was NOT my favorite race, but it DID have potential to be my favorite race, and the evening WAS a lot of fun thanks to the wonderful group that I got to spend it with. 

There. I said it. And now I can move on to the details... 

On May 10th, I got to run this race with a random mix of girlfriends... several who are co-workers, one from church, and then, of course, Mary... who I would say is from highschool, but really, we don't give high school that much credit, so she is just one of my nearest and dearest, and I would not have survived my transition to Minne without her. Label her what-you-will after that disclaimer. :) 

SOMEBODY (who I won't technically point out) decided that it was a good idea to meet up and carpool from a Target parking lot. Yes, that can be like finding a fish in the sea. So, a few minutes after we were supposed to be leaving, the four of us below were waiting for SOMEBODY and her counterpart to arrive. Where ARE YOU!??!?!

Me, Mary, Muehlberg, and Bennett (Funny how at CN, we go by last names on a regular basis when talking ABOUT one another, and yet, if I were talking TO them, I might use their first names.)

They finally appeared, and we hopped in a Momma-Van and drove down to Valley Fair, where the run would commence. It was a beautiful night...

 Finally, we all found each other just outside of the starting line. Shannon had gone to the dollar store and bought us a bunch of glow-in-the-dark gear, which was a super fun addition to our attire.

Me, Mary, Bennett, Steven, Muehlberg, Edam, and Mindy - ready to run, wog, walk, waddle... what have you...

 I didn't take pictures during the race for two reasons - I knew my phone wasn't taking GREAT pictures in the dark, and I knew that I had to focus on not seriously injuring myself as I ran, in the dark, through a theme park with HORRIBLE pathways. I did, of course, twist my ankle very nicely, and almost fall down a ditch. Luckily, I caught my balance, but the rest of the race pretty much stunk because I was in pain, and I was even more paranoid than when I began. But, no worries, I did NOT walk, because I just wanted the stupid run to be OVER. And when it was....

We shared some drinks, apps, stories, and laughs! 

BEST. PART. of the NIGHT.

Running for Logan's Heroes

My last trip home, the first weekend in May, my sis-in-law invited to me to run the Logan's Heroes 5K with her. This has always been a special walk/run for my sis, because Logan's dad is the P.E. Teacher at her school. This year, I think it was even more special because Logan is in her class. I met Logan on the first day of school, while I hung out in the classroom with the little troop of First Graders. She is an energetic, bright little bean, to say the least. It was fun to reconnect with her now, at the end of first grade, and see how much she has grown this year. It was also fun to complete this run with my sis-in-law, my middle nephew, and my niece. It was a bit chilly, and of course, it was windy as can be (thank you, ND), but it was a GREAT morning.

Getting ready to climb the overpass one last time and I decided to use the photo opportunity as my excuse to pause so I wouldn't have to go up it alone!

DONE! We finished with very little walking. I think it was personal records for both E and J!

Walking tacos were the finishers' meal. YUM! And what a great turnout!!

Here comes the queen of the hour!

Logan even has her own advertising on the side of the Garbage Truck!

Team Baumgarten will always have your back, Sweet Logan! (And yes, Jada is a Team Baumgarten member by proxy.) :) 

HERE is an old link, but one of the only ones I could find, that gives a bit of Logan's story, and shares the amazing commitment her parents make to loving her well!

Readin' Readin' Readin'!

I have been a READING MACHINE this past couple of weeks. (Which, now that I put those words, with these few pictures, I feel like I might be exaggerating in comparison to so many other people, and I realize, I really have a long way to go to read as much as I SHOULD with my time.... ugh... another post for another time!) :) 

As I said in my last post, I have been preparing for Summer Book Clubs, and while I didn't have time to read all of the books prior to getting the paperwork and orders completed, I am committed to reading them all prior to the start of the book clubs on June 11th. 

Before I go any further, thank you to those of you who sent suggestions for books for book clubs. I didn't get to most of them, because I only needed one book, but they are already on my list for the 2013-14 school year and book clubs! One of the things I am planning ahead for is to cover a breadth of genres. Clearly, my list this year did not tackle that, and I know it isn't super hard, but I was in such a panic over being on such a short timeline, that I just didn't take the time to think about it. I always look forward to making improvements, so this way, I already know where to start next year! :) 

OK, now, on to the books that have been keeping me busy: 

While I am not reading this first one for a book club, I was in the midst of it and decided I was long-overdue for finishing it. That being said, the reason I was long-overdue for finishing up this little read, Inside Out & Back Again, is because I found it to move a bit slow and redundant. Don't get me wrong, I also found it a compelling insight into what life might be like for a student coming to my country from Vietnam, in terms of cultural differences. Add to that the fact that it is set back in 1975, in the wake of the Vietnam war, and there are some fascinating historical fiction components as well. I think this would make a great read aloud, accompanying a social studies or history unit. If I were to put it in the hands of a child with no background knowledge, or dialogue support, I don't think it would have the impact that it has the potential to have. I also think that had I been reading with someone, to share conversation along the way, it would have been a much more appealing read and would have taken less time for me to get through. It is written in poetry form, which I always think makes a chapter book look more appealing to students - put as few words on a page, and they will be all in to gobble it up.  

Have you met the Grunt or the Grouch yet? I am not talking about your sleepy spouse first thing in the morning, or your grumpy little one at the end of a no-nap 93-degree day. Nope, these two trolls are SO FUNNY. Not always appropriate, and often a bit crass, they are just what every second and third grade boy love, and what I am completely annoyed by. :) I don't care to read about farts, boogers, and vomit, but the kids do. So, in reading these, I take one for the betterment (? I use the term lightly) of my students. In all honesty, the plot lines for these three mini stories are actually entertaining and fun, and kept simple enough that I know my struggling readers will still be able to understand and enjoy them. Each of the plots in this chapter book include getting into some kind of summer trouble, so it seems like a great book to use to kick off summer, right?! They get into some trouble at the pool, on a camping trip, and babysitting. 

I have found a new FAVORITE. I had a hard time putting down Captain Nobody. I am not sure if that was because of the sympathy I felt for Newt, the younger brother who nobody even knows exists. Or maybe it was the adventures that Newt experiences when he discovers his "inner self" and becomes Captain Nobody. Or, maybe it was because I needed to know what happened to Newt's older brother, Chris, after his horrible football accident. Hmm... actually, just maybe it was a little bit of all of those reasons. I fell in love with the characters, mostly boys, that were witty, normal, quirky, thoughtful, adventurous, and completely love-worthy. There are so many talking points in this book that I cannot wait to share it with students and discuss feelings, how we treat others, what we do when we feel lonely, or afraid, and what we would wear if we could be a super hero. My only disappointment is that I don't get to lead this book club, which has already filled up completely! 

Oh, Umbrella Summer, how you tore my heart out of my chest, made me cry, and want to wrap my arms right around sweet Annie. When Annie's brother died, all of a sudden, Annie faces a new reality. Her new reality is filled with fear, which she masks as "Caution". While she doesn't present as lonely, angry, or even sad, really, she does make some significant life changes that include wearing a bike helmet at all times, "just in case", and not participating in obstacle courses that she and her friends always used to make, because they are "too dangerous". Along comes a new neighbor, who is an older woman, who also has a sad secret. When Annie's new neighbor recommends that Annie should read Charlotte's Web, instead of the book that teaches about every disease and how to prevent it, she also shares her secret, that she is sad because her husband has died, too. The bond grows, and slowly, Annie decides it isn't so bad to let down the umbrella and let a little more sun back into her life. This is a pretty heavy book, so again, it is one that will need a lot of dialogue, but I have a GREAT leader for this one (I wonder if she will let me sit in??) and I will provide the group with a box of Kleenex or two...  

Sweetest. Book. Ever. Have you read it? I finished this one last week, but it is just such a heart-warming little read about how three unlikely, lonely characters end up crossing paths and becoming friends. This is another book written in poetry format, and yet so simply written so that my younger students can enjoy reading this chapter book. Bauer does a great job of developing characters that we want to care about. From the little boy, to the little dog, to the little old man, I was constantly thinking about how I could relate to their individual situations, and comparing how their situations were all so similar. Little Dog, Lost, isn't just for kids that love dogs, it is a great book for boys or girls, and I think it would also make a really great read aloud. 

So... what are you reading today that you can't put down and are dying to share with someone? Share with ME! Now I am excited to be finding extra time in my days to read, because I am so re-energized by that moment when I have finished a book. Doesn't that feel good?!? 

:) j. 

Summer Book Club Books

I am SO excited! The summer book clubs that I ran for the first time last year were a great success. Our goal was to reach 50 kids. We reached 109! SO COOL! Of course, before they were over, I had students, parents, and teachers asking if we would be repeating the clubs for the summer of 2013. Just in the last month, I got funding to repeat the book clubs! And, this time, the funding sources have agreed to long-term commitments! YIPPEE! 

While the excitement could carry me for DAYS to get the paperwork in place, organize transportation, find leaders and cover all of the nuts and bolts, what it does NOT help me with is CHOOSING BOOKS! Now, as a reading teacher, one would think this would be my favorite part. And, it is. Kind of. I could spend my life in Barnes and Noble - or any book store - reading books. I could spend my life savings on buying books, too. However, the problem comes in the fact that I have to pick and buy books for OTHER people. I need to be sure that OTHER people are going to enjoy the books, love the books, and approve of the books. To me, that just equates to a WHOLE LOT of STRESS. 

So, what do I do? I turn to my trusty colleagues! I share my starting line up. I ask for forgiveness and honesty if I have chosen poorly. I ask for suggestions and recommendations to be added. I beg. I plead. Can you help either boost my confidence by affirming a pick or two from my list, or help save me from grave embarrassment by helping me to get rid of poor choices before the purchase order goes through and the book club is a flop!??! Can you!? Can you?!!? 

I. HOPE. SO!

Summer Book Clubs: aka - books I am about to read, or have already read... and that are on the list to be purchased by the end of the week... oh if only I had time, I would list all of the runner ups, too! maybe another day!

K/1: 
- Daisy the Donut Fairy, by Tim Bugbird - just cute, so, so, cute! I can't wait to eat donuts together with this little group of brand new first graders and make paper donuts with glitter and sparkles and whatever else I can come up with!

- When a Dragon Moves In, by Jodi Moore - maybe it is because I just spent time on a beach, or maybe it is because of the innocents and splendor of this little guy's imagination, but I love everything about this, from the story to the illustrations. 

- The Aventures of Taxi Dog, by Debra Barracca - an oldie but a goodie!

- The Mixed Up Chameleon, by Eric Carle - who doesn't LOVE Eric Carle?!?! On top of the fact that his books are fun, and the artwork wonderful, there are always SO MANY options for activities to go along with them!

- The Pirate's Activity Book, by Melinda Long, paired with How I Became a Pirate, also by Melinda Long - I am SO excited to see what the book club leader does with this! He is regularly a 4th grade teacher, currently, but his first decades as a teacher, apparently, he was a full-fledged kindergarten teacher. I can't wait to see him covered in pirate tattoos and digging through homemade treasure chests, straight out of these books!

2/3: 
- George's Marvelous Medicine, by Roald Dahl - Typically, one cannot go wrong with Roald Dahl, by student standards. I, myself, don't always love them. However, last year, this same book was used for book clubs and it was the "best seller". I had a full group of registrants and all of them showed up. While Roald deserves a lot of credit, so does David, the fabulous second grade teacher that leads this book club.

- The Grunt and the Grouch: Big Splash!, by Tracey Corderoy - When I saw these new trolls in town, I immediately got the giggles. They took me right back to the days of Sesame Street with their bright-colored scraggly hair, and their monster-looks. It seems perfect to kick off summer with a bit of fun mischief that involves swimming pools, camping, babysitters, and cousins, does it not?!

- Penelope Crumb, by Shawn Stout - This is a new series, and from what I can tell, it is the in-betweener of Junie B. Jones and Clementine. It seems to fit nicely with the quirky antics that are just a bit older than Junie and younger than Clementine. I am hoping it jump starts this crew into a new series they can enjoy for the WHOLE summer!

- ???? MISSING A BOOK - do you have one that would be PERFECT for a FUN, SUMMER book club for 12 kids to discuss and complete an activity around?!?!?! PLEASE SHARE!

- Nim's Island, by Wendy Orr - I don't know if I am more drawn to this because it takes place on an island, or because the main character is a girl with no fear. :) I know the movie is out, so I guess it could go either way - kids could have already decided they DON'T like it, or they could jump at the chance to read a book that they have already seen the movie of.

- Little Dog, Lost, by Marion Dane Bauer - First of all, it is written in verse, and it is a lovely little story. A perfect match, if you ask me. Second of all, it's about a boy who needs a dog, and a dog who needs a boy... can't go wrong with that, right?!

4/5:
- The Magic Half, by Annie Barrows - Miri is the middle child, and her siblings? Two sets of twins. Can you imagine being the only one without a twin in a family of 7?? Miri escapes to 1935 to find her own "twin". I love the element of modern day, mixed with the historical aspect. I am really hoping the kids LOVE this one! I really tend to like Annie Barrows' work in general, so hopefully this will not disappoint!

- The Secret of Zoom, by Lynne Jonell - I swear Christina's father is insight into my life as a someday mom! My biggest fear is that I will be so fear-filled as a paranoid mom that I will lock my child up for safe keeping! :) That is what Christina's dad does. However, when the orphan down the streets talks to Christina, the adventure begins! Can you imagine living all couped up? And then taking your first steps out into the adventures of the world?

- Umbrella Summer, by Lisa Graff - This one looks a bit intense, not gonna lie. Annie is struggling to feel safe ever since her brother died. When a new neighbor moves into town, and shares her secrets, she helps Annie heal and begin to leave her sadness behind.

- Jake and Lily, by Jerry Spinelli - I can honestly say that I haven't read anything by Spinelli that I didn't like. And this, another book about twins, looks wonderful! While Jake and Lily are twins, and they have a few differences, I swear, one would think they share a brain. They take turns writing the chapters, which I LOVE, they finish each other's sentences when needed (or not needed) and they work through growing up, and growing apart, as it comes.

- Saffy's Angel, by Hilary McKay - It has been a LONG time since I read this with a group of fourth grade students. Our art teacher asked to lead a book club this summer - YAY! and while I gave her a few books, I was wishing we could find more modern ones. Alas, she chose Saffy's Angel, and has some ideas about some painting projects that will accompany the book club meeting. Doesn't that sound fun and fabulous?!

- Captain Nobody, by Dean Pitchford - I can't wait to read this one! When a Halloween costume brings confidence to a boy who is in the shadows as his brother is in a coma from a football injury, what will he do? He will take on the world, as "Captain Nobody". 

So - that is the list. Thoughts? Do you see anything here you would remove? Do you have any "MUST READS" that should be added? I love organizing and running the summer book club program. However, knowing there are a bajillion books to choose from, I get so overwhelmed, and feel so much PRESSURE to choose the PERFECT books! I can't wait to hear what would be on your list!! 
~ j.

4.16.13 aftermath

Today, 

I wore my half-marathon finishers shirt. 

Today, 

I ran 2.82 miles to be united with runners around the world. 

Today, 

I probably didn't contribute to any of the victims' healing. 

Today, 

I felt compelled and drawn into the running community. 

Today, 

That was important to me. 

Yesterday, two bombs went off near the finish line of the Boston Marathon. Now, I am sure that everyone who reads this today, or this week, or even this year, will know that already. I am not trying to inform you. However, one of the purposes of blogging is to REMEMBER, and I think that we are not necessarily good at remembering. I think that the next tragedy will come, and there will be a greater threat, that the previous tragedy(ies??) might slip away from our memories. Good or bad, I won't worry about, but when I write, I need to include some of the obvious sometimes, because, sometimes sadly, later, it won't be so obvious. 

So, yes, like many, I first saw of the bombs on the news. Then, I saw a Facebook post by my roommate, asking for prayers for her brother, his fiance, and her family, who were all at the finish line, hanging out, celebrating the fact that Fiance's sister had finished about 30 minutes prior to the first bomb. Of course, that raised my level of personal concern, hoping and praying that I would not be going home to a roommate that was dealing with exorbitant grief of loss or injury, but rather "just" the horrific grief of the unknown and the fears of possibility. The pictures we received throughout the evening - well, she received and shared - were crazy, and awful, and breath-taking in the not-good kind of way. It was a pretty intense evening. 

I hate to admit it, but I wasn't surprised. I was angry. I was disappointed. I was a whole host of things, but I was not surprised. I have never run a race where I haven't stood at the starting line, looking around the crowds, wondering, "What if?!"... what if there is a gun somewhere in the crowd... what if there is a physical attacker somewhere in the crowd... what if... my list can sometimes go on and on. Sometimes, the list can take over... take over my breath... take over my eyes and fill them with tears... take over my mind from making sense... take over my body to cause trembling and stomach pains... There isn't a day that goes by when I don't have my eyes peeled and think, at least once during my day, about the what-ifs... 

I am not writing this to draw any kind of attention to myself, which may seem counter-intuitive, but stick with me, please... 

You see, I have experienced lots of things in my life that one doesn't expect. Therefore, I have begun to not have expectations, or worse, expect the unexpected, or at least believe that truly, anything is possible, and you just never know. But, I have had to learn to deal with this. 

Running, four years ago, became a way for me to deal with this. It gave me a sense of control. It made me feel strong, and confident. Not invincible, but capable and encouraged, and courageous. It wasn't a terrorist that took that from me, it was a silly self-inflicted bike accident. And I have been yearning to have my relationship with running shoes, the road, the sun, the breeze, the quiet, the birds... all of it, back. I just haven't been able to pull together the motivation! 

But today.... today I was motivated. I was determined. I was encouraged. I was reminded. Today, I ran for all of the runners that were impacted directly in Boston yesterday. Today, I didn't run because I could fix what happened, or help anyone specifically - nobody even knows I ran today! But, today, I ran to be part of the running community again, because I miss it. Because I love it. There is something spectacular about runners, and the community that they morph into when the word, "run" comes up at a dinner table, or when standing at a start line, or a finish line, or in the banana line at the end of a good race. It doesn't matter what you look like, how fast you are, (or in my case, how slow you are), what size you are, how long you have been running, how far you can run, what kind of shoes you wear, whether you wear shorts or pants or bikini bottoms. It just doesn't matter. 

What matters, is that there is a host of encourages, cheering each other on, wanting each runner to break a personal record, meet a personal goal, finish the race. 

And so, at the advice of some online forums I follow, today, I wore my half-marathon finishers shirt, and at the gym tonight, I ran 2.62 miles - further than I have run in a LOOOOONG time. And while I started out doing it because somebody made the suggestion online, as a way to show support for the runners in Boston, I realized, about half-mile in, that I was also running because there is nothing better than the running community, and I want back in, and I want to BE one of the runners I am so proud of. I wanted to support those in Boston, YES, of course, but I also wanted to run out my rage, prove that running would carry on, and that I don't have to carry rage, I have to carry on. 

Ironically, as I ran, here are the lyrics that carried my feet so I didn't give up: 

When all around is fading,

And nothing seems to last, 

When each day is filled with sorrow, 

Still I know, with all my heart....

He's got the whole world in His hands, 

He's got the whole world in His hands,

I fear no evil, 

For You are with me, 

Strong to deliver,

Mighty to save,

He's got the whole world in His hands.

And when I walk through fire, 

I will not be burned, 

When the waves come crashing around me, 

Still I know, with all my heart...

He's got the whole world in His hands, 

He's got the whole world in His hands,

I fear no evil, 

For You are with me, 

Strong to deliver,

Mighty to save,

He's got the whole world in His hands.

- by:  Christy Nockels

I can't find a version of it anywhere to link to, but I am going to keep looking because this version is AMAZINGLY perfectly comforting!  

I can't get all philosophical and religious, because it's bigger than me. I can't explain WHY yesterday happened, why the world lost an 8-year-old, Little Martin, yesterday. I can't explain why bad things happen, when there is a God that holds us in His hands. I am sorry for that, I wish I could. But, as I have learned over time and through countless circumstances, and this is no different, I need my faith to carry on. I need to focus on those that ran TOWARD the point of greatest risk to help - those were God's hands in action. I need to focus on those that were kept safe by random circumstance, like the need to go to the bathroom twice during the race, which never happens, but yesterday, kept one runner, a single mom who lost her husband in military combat, and had children at home, a quarter-mile behind her normal pace... a quarter mile away from the finish line when the bombs went off. God kept her safe. He was there. He was crying. He will hold us and carry us. He is in this community, and today, that made me run harder than I even knew possible right now in my own life. 

~ j.

Sleep Lag

I soothed myself out of a yucky dream about spotting a dead body floating in the ocean - yes, there were two different days at the beach where I was watching the helicopters and search boats as they were trying to find two different missing persons. It was a bit discomforting, to say the least, and apparently, it has stuck with my subconscious. And as I coaxed myself out of that dream, I was surely still asleep. 

"You need to work on your resume today." Followed by a draft of a cover letter that needs to be sent. Followed by, "I think I should just get up and go to the bathroom quick." Which led to the startling thought, "Wait a second! Am I AWAKE? I thought I was asleep!" Then, I paused to consider my body. My limbs were definitely still heavy on my bed. However, my eyes, squeezed so tightly shut, were definitely not resting peacefully. My brain, running wild, was convincing my body that it was WIDE AWAKE. DARN IT! 

I got up to go to the bathroom in the most strategic way... no lights on... don't look outside at the bright fresh snow or get a glimpse of the street lights, or the garage motion light... don't look at the clock! But then, there it was, my phone in my hand, the security button tapped, and the time: 4:10 AM. Seriously?!?!!? I'M TIRED! 

Lay back down. Think soothing thoughts. Take deep breaths. 

Panic a bit about the amount of work you need to get done. 

No - now isn't the time for that! Deep breaths! 

Ponder the days when you used to get up at this time and go to the gym before work. 

Not today! You need sleep! Your body is trying to adjust back to the "right" days and nights! 

Reminisce about previous international trips, and how upon arrival home, sleep came easily and the re-acclimation caused no problems. 

Why?!?! Why this time?!?! The previous night, I was WIDE AWAKE - like, little girl, wiggly and restless, WIDE AWAKE, until at least 2:00. Last night, I went to bed at 11:00, surely exhausted from so little sleep the night before, and definitely convinced that "tonight will be a good night of rest!" And, for the most part, it was, but WHY SO SHORT? 

And so, at 5:19 AM, I can say that I have done my lunch dishes from yesterday and cleaned out my lunch bag, I have packed today's lunch, searched my computer for some files, and now, alas, I am off to the gym. If nothing else, maybe this will reset my morning gym routine. Here's to hoping! 

:) j.